Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Is It Worth The Effort?

It has been an interesting couple of days for me. Not to go into a lot of details, I found out that someone close to me was holding a secret. I will admit that the items with that secret was because of something I have done in the past.

In a decision that was mutually agreed upon to move on and work on what was important, it seems that this person who is close to me was holding onto things that, in my opinion, would not allow complete closure of the past. I had let go of all of my items of the past regarding this person that I felt was equivalent to my deeds.

Basically, I put total and blind trust into the situation and put in some work to make amends for my part and repair something that was broken. I still had some steps to go to make it be more perfect but that would have come over time.

Outside influences were the culprit in the past but I let my insecurities go. This person close to me however, did not. When it was revealed, I was devastated because it seems that all the work I put in was for nothing. (I am no saint by any means but the effort was sincere.) The past wasn't the past. It was still up front in full and vivid color (perhaps). How can you move on if you continue to hold PHYSICAL reminders of the past? Possessing those physical reminders will continue to spark a reliving the bad memories of the past.

They just didn't understand that I felt like I was not getting anywhere. I would always be the imperfect (not that anyone is perfect) and damaged person. Even though I was not aware of this issue until days ago, it made me feel like a fool for even trying and asking myself "is it worth the effort?" It is like I was in a hole and trying to climb out and someone throwing dirt on top of me (even though it was said that none of my deeds were being thrown back in my face). I just felt that I was never going to get out of this hole.

Going back to my blog from a couple of days ago about the truth setting you free seems to apply to this unfortunate situation. Even with my antics and behavior, I still believe that if it is something that might "bite you in the butt" at a later date to be upfront about it. Maybe that is hypocritical of me but this was supposed to be a clean slate. It is easier to "forgive and forget" than to "forgive and regret."

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