Am I Losing My "Blackness"?

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in my office talking to a guy servicing some electronic equipment for me. Some of my staff got to talking about some events occurring around the the downtown area that weekend, which included a hip-hop/rap concert featuring Yo Gotti, 8Ball & MJG, Young Dro, and a couple of other artists.

I proceeded to joke around with the service guy, who was white, that he needed to come back to Montgomery on Sunday to go to the concert and see 8Ball & MJG. Expecting him to look at me crazy, he says "they are really going to be here on Sunday". My mouth popped open and I was told the look on my face was priceless. I am a black man and never listened to 8Ball & MJG (knowingly). He said that he had their latest CD in the service van which had my jaw hitting the floor. However, another reason that he knew who they were was because he was from Memphis, Tennessee - the same as 8Ball & MJG.


Of course, I got a ribbing from my co-workers that I was not familiar of the lyrical stylings of 8Ball & MJG. I like my old school hip-hop-rap from the 80's and 90's. I am going to sound like my parents, but most of the new stuff today sounds the same and is not that entertaining. Every now there is a gem in the middle of a lot of noise.

It made me feel a little like I am losing my "blackness". I have been told that I was an "Oreo" or they said that "one of the whitest black guys" they knew. I do not talk with a lot of "urban" slag; I do not wear clothing fron South Pole, Ecko, Coogi, or Rocawear; I don't watch "The Game", "Tiny & Toya", or "College Hill" on BET." So with all of that being said - am I lacking "blackness".

I realize that I am still surrounded by a lot of young black men and women in my interaction with staff and the public who are still living their young "black" lives. I am older and more conservative nowadays so I cannot always relate. I have been blessed to see things outside of a stereotypical urban black environment. I have interacted with, made friends with, and dated people who may have also "lost their identity" like myself and you cannot truly label.

All of this reminded me of some unflattering contact I had with a woman earlier this year in "Basically She Called Me an Uncle Tom". I cannot say she was acting like "some typical black woman" because she was truly just a stupid woman who didn't have any sense and thought someone owed her something but even then she made me wonder.

So I guess the question is do we, as we grow older and more mature, conform more to some non-racial sense of self? I think the only ones who can answer that question might be those who follow the adage of "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things" (1 Corinthians 13:11).

Jaw Dropping Racism - In Your Face Beotch!

I really have got to find more time to write but I guess when you grow up, your life gets so much more packed with stuff that you cannot find enough time in the day.



I was watching television yesterday morning and caught the latest episode of "Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel". They did a story of racism in soccer called "Fields of Hate". My jaw hit the table when I saw the blatant racism being displayed by the fans of European soccer games.

There were fans who would make sounds like a monkey or would throw bananas on the field when a player of color would get the ball. There are instances when the fans have spit on players to the point where they jersey was soaked. There are parts of the stadium that are "controlled" by organized neo-fascists or neo-Nazi groups that would display the Nazi swastika openly. In this semi-politically correct world, you would think that racism such as that would not be present at an organized sporting event with a television audience. There are still pockets of racism in the US but you would never see anything such as that at an organized sporting event here.

Seeing this has partially changed my outlook on Europe. I have had the opportunity to live there twice - once as a adolescent and once as a young adult. I also got to travel a little bit while I was there and never experienced anything that would make me think that someone didn't like me for the color of my skin. I used to believe Europe practiced a more liberal society. How can such hatred go unchecked?



Why do those who scream hate so loudly truly believe that they are right? What makes one believe that the removal, extinction, or separation of a race other than theirs is what God intended? In a world were MOST people believe in racial harmony, why does this "minority" of people think they can change the minds of so many who do not believe in their rhetoric?

An example of this line of thinking was made by Johann Friedrich Blumenbach (1752-1840), a German physician, physiologist and anthropologist, who made the statement "Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix." REALLY?

Everyone has a right to their opinion but the purpose of sport, in my opinion, has always been camaraderie, sportsmanship, and community pride. Why would someone let a bunch of idiots represent their community? Maybe there need to be some diversity on the governing body of UEFA, the Union of European Football Associations. Maybe they need to walk in the shoes of soccer (football) players of color to see the effect that their "inaction" is taking on them.

And the Verdict Is.....

Well after 5 days of "you need to get that checked" by doctors, I finally found out that the pulmonary nodule in my right lung is not cancerous. Some sort of benign mass as the doctor called it. It was probably scarring that was discovered by my ER doctor after the accident.

Now for the rant.... My primary care doctor is affiliated with Jackson Hospital here in town. My hospital of choice is Baptist East which is where I went for treatment after the accident. There lies my dilemma. The ER referred me to get my PET Scan at a Baptist-affiliated imaging center in which my doctor's office had no clue even existed.

I got my PET scan last Thursday and was told by my doctor's office to come in on Friday (after they called the imaging center to confirm when the results would be ready) to get the results. First of all, I had to wait for an hour in the lobby waiting room. Then I was moved to the "secondary" waiting room where I had to wait for another 30 minutes. (For those who know me, I did manage a nap in the secondary room before work.) I get into the exam room to be greeted by a nurse practitioner (NP). There is nothing wrong with an NP but with the potential for a cancer diagnosis, I would have thought that I would see my doctor.

To top it all off, the staff had no clue why I was at the doctor's office at all. I was asked by the intake clerk, the accounting clerk, the triage nurse, and the nurse practitioner on why I was there. It wasn't them asking me to make sure they had the right patient - they truly did not know why I was there. The NP who say me on Friday was the same one that gave me the referral on Monday and had no idea who I was. I had to remind her that she was the one that gave me the referral form in the first place.

To top it all off, my results were not even there. Nobody called to have them faxed over. That was the last straw to me. Yeah, the doctor and the imaging center do not have a "relationship" but goodness, does anyone take notes around there at all?

This doctor has been my primary care physician since 2005 but only since him once at my initial appointment and fast lab follow-up. Every time I tried to make an appointment in the past when I needed to see the doctor, I couldn't get scheduled within 3 days so I would go to Pri-Med (an urgent care medical center).

After this experience with my "cancer scare" and the lack of communication and professionalism with this doctor, I am seeking a new one. I was under so much stress from the wait that I had a migraine for the rest of the day. It was almost like I actually did have cancer and nobody wanted to tell me. I understand that medical care is a volume business but this is my only bad experience with any doctor and it has soured me on the profession. If I didn't need it, I would kick them all to the curb.

The Great Crash of 2010 (and the Fall Out)

Well fellow bloggers and readers, it has been determined by me that people cannot drive. This past Sunday, I have had my fourth accident in my Mazda 6. None of the accidents in this car have been my fault and now with a few payments left on this car, it might be totalled out. Jasmine, my 16 year old daughter, is a bit distraught because this was supposed to be her car possibly this fall in case I got something new.

I am fine and will live but I have learned some lessons with this accident that I am not going to go into at this point. I got checked out at the ER and the doctor has certified me okay, in regards of the accident. I have a knot and a cut on my head from hitting the windshield (now is the time I wish I had hair up there to cover it) and my knee hurts a little so I got a cool ass limp.

I thought I was going to walk out of the ER with nothing on my mind but wondering if they are going to total out my car or fix it but it couldn't be that simple. After the CT Scan of my head and chest, I was advised of something going on that was unrelated to the accident.

It seems that I have some sort of pulmonary nodule in my right lung. The same lung that I had pneumonia in which could be the cause of it but of course the doctor has to give you the worse case scenario and dropped the Big C Word on me too. The good thing going for me is that I recently had pneumonia so that connection is there. I don't smoke (unless you want to count the 2 or 3 cigars I have a year). I do not usually tend to hang around smokers when they are smoking. So I think my luck will hold.

Never thought that someone would throw the C word at me. Just one of those things you would think happens to someone else (not that you want it to). When he said it, I just figured it was nothing serious and the remote possibility of it being cancer (yeah I said it) was slim to none. But of course as you have time to think about it and the doctors keep saying "you need to see your primary doctor and make an appointment for a PET CT Scan." I didn't really think about what a PET CT Scan was until yesterday when a friend of mine said it is what they use to look at cancer in the body. Well DAMN!

I think I will be okay. I am going to stay positive that it isn't anything serious. Just needed to vent it out a little bit. So is the journey of life- let's see where this turn takes me.

40 years and still kicking...

Well last Wednesday was my 40th birthday. After a few days of trying it on, it fits me well. I don't really feel any different. Some people made it out to be a milestone but I still kind of feel it just another notch in life - somewhat.

I look back at the 40 years of my life and I ponder if I did some things different, where would I be today. I think everyone takes a moment to do a "Retrospective of the History of Their Life" at some point and I guess mine was at 40 years of age. By no means I hope that this is a halfway point for me. I still believe I will live forever. Some of the older memories are a little blurry but they have been some great ones (and some not so much). No one wants to remember the negative or bad things but if you had the power to change the past, you might wipe out all the truly positive moments of your life.

Everyone has done things that they are very proud of and other stuff that you hope never saw the light of day; met people that made a profound change in their lives and those that you wish would fall off the face of the Earth; and hopefully made a positive mark for society or on people that have run across your path. You hope that you are an individual and not just like everyone else.



Not to be vain, but many people I have run across are surprised that I am 40 years old like that is something ancient. Last night at work I ran into several acquaintances that I hadn't seen in some months and they made it a point to compliment me how good I looked and how sharp I was looking and kept driving it home. I try not get a big head about it but it is nice for people to say things like that since I am getting "old and decrepit." Even got a very loud "Wow" from a female friend who found out how old I had just turned on my birthday. Talk about an ego booster.

We take a break for a reference from "Ego" by Beyonce' -

It's too big, it's too wide
It's too strong, it won't fit
It's too much, it's too tough
He talk like this 'cause he can back it up

He got a big ego, such a huge ego
I love his big ego, it's too much
He walk like this 'cause he can back it up.

Now back our regularly scheduled blog.

There are still some things I want in life and hopefully I will be able to make those dreams come true. I hope that perhaps I touch for a few more lives in a positive way. I hope to still learn something new everyday (and hopefully not forget it). I hope that I continue to march to the beat of my own drum. I have been truly blessed with a lot of things and continue to be grateful for anything put my way. To put it in a nutshell, I just hope....

I want to thank all of those who took the time out of their busy lives and schedules to wish me a Happy 40th Birthday. In this time where it seems like life is running 100 mile per hour with really bad brakes, it was nice that I ran across people's minds even for a few minutes. I hope to enjoy many, many more.

And the Father Is?

I am going to tell you a little story and see what you think about it?

I have a friend who has a kid. He married the child's mother so it is really his stepchild and has been for quite some time. Even years before he married the child's mother, he was there for the mother and the child. He has clothed this child, fed this child, taken the child to doctor's appointments and school functions, and all the other things a "real" parent is supposed to do. He remembers when the child was much younger and the "biological" father would make plans to pick the child up to spend time and would never show up. The child would be upset for days and my friend could not understand why because he (for all intensive purposes) has been the "father" and the child was crying for someone that she didn't even know. It upset him probably just as much as it upset the child.

Now, the child's "biological" father does not live in the area and hasn't for years. He has a "new family". He almost never calls to check up on the child. He doesn't pay ANY child support at this time. He doesn't have shared custody. The "biological" has family where my friend lives and when he is in town, he doesn't come and visit his child and when he does, it is for minutes. All communication with the "biological" seems to be initiated by the child. My friend and the child's mother has NEVER hindered this child to talk to or visit the "biological." My friend has tolerated the "biological" when he decides to be a "father" when it is convenient to him. - his M.O. for years.

Now, let's up skip to yesterday evening. My friend tells me that he and the child's mother are disciplining his stepchild because the child is on restriction. The child just so happens to be on the phone, which was actually breaking one of the terms of the restriction, with the "biological" father and the "biological" must have heard it over the phone. The stepchild gets off the phone and the phone is taken away. A voicemail alert comes up and my friend decides to listen to the message. Can you guess who it was? It was the "biological" telling him how he should not be talking to his child like that and if he has a problem with that to contact him and talk to him like that. What the fuck?

This man has decided now to TRY to flex his long lost parental power. My friend could not believe it. The nerve of him telling him how to run his household. The "biological" didn't even hear that the child's mother was talking too but just because my friend's voice was louder, that is all he heard through the phone. It sounded like the "biological" is calling out the man that stepped up to be "the man" for the child that he basically "abandoned".

My friend is not wanting to get into a bullshit contest with this man even though he is right. (Or at least I believe he is.) He is trying not to become a wedge in between this man and his "abandoned" child. The biological's actions was so disturbing and upsetting that it took everything for the child's mother to keep from telling this child the "real deal and truth" about their father which is some harsh stuff. There has never been any baby mama/baby daddy drama in this blended family before.

Why do some men do this? They don't do anything for a child they fathered but want to lash out at the man that stepped up to be the man they can't seem to be for that child.

I Fought the Oink and I Won.....

I fought the H1N1 and I came out victorious but I came to grips to the fact that I am a "fragile" being.

After a follow-up with the doctor today, I am H1N1 free. My lungs look good so the pneumonia didn't get worse. I am still sporting a bacterial bronchial infection which is a medical way of saying I still got some phlegm to get rid of to be at my peak performance. They gave me another damn shot in my ass. Personally I think that the nurses wanted to check out my butt. LOL.

Through all of this, I am slowly figuring out that my body is changing and I am not the young guy I see myself to be. I have lived a life of relatively good health. I may not eat right all the time but I try not to over-indulge in the "bad" stuff. I am holding a few extra "L B's" so I think I am going to have to make some changes in that as well. Mom is harping that I am not as young as I used to be. Blah! Blah! Blah!

I wasn't extremely concerned with the fact that I had the H1N1 virus, even though everyone made it seem like the Second Plague. I have had bronchitis before so that wasn't a big deal. It was the pneumonia that I truly feared. I feared it so much that the first two nights after my diagnosis I didn't sleep well at all. I know nothing about pneumonia and the fact that people die from this as a complication from something else put a real scarein me. I think I stressed about it so much that the medicine I was taking wasn't even doing any real good because I couldn't truly relax. Thankfully I was able to overcome it all.

I will be 40 years old in about two weeks (YEAH!) and didn't plan on looking at this day as anything special or some sort of benchmark. But with this "health scare", I am having to re-evaluate my path in regards to my health. Changes are forthcoming.