What Were You Thinking?

This is basically a rant and vent entry. The names have been concealed to avoid embarrassment and implication.

If you have a significant other whose full or part time job is "street corner pharmaceutical sales", when do you say to yourself, "I have got to make a change or do better?" I guess because I have a CRAZY fear of drugs (and I think a whole lot about myself) that it has never been an appeal or escape for me. I don't want to be around them [drugs] or jeopardize anyone that is close to me of being associated with them.

I am not ragging on women because they are some of the most wonderful creatures on God's Earth but when they think they are "in love", some seem to lose their f$#king mind and look completely past every fault that their "love" has and seem to be willing to take the blame for something that their "love" has done. I have quite a few cop friends and some of the stories that I hear about the woman taking the fall for their gun running, dope dealing, burglarizing, sex predator, robber, murdering boyfriends/husbands/significant others make me sick.

Now comes the really f#@ked part for me - you put yourself (and possibly your children) in the situation and get busted and expect everyone to do drop everything and inconvenience themselves to get you out of the trouble you have put yourself into. Family is supposed to assume more debt to deal with another family member's issue that COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED? To me, that is selfish. I can understand if you are helping a family member defend against something that was not entirely their fault but knowingly being in a bad situation - why should my life change?

I am no angel and do not claim to be "pure as the driven snow" but I guess my "consideration of others" would not allow me to even ask for help if I put myself in a bad situation. Some things come to mind that would not allow me to ask for help IF I PUT MYSELF OUT THERE AND ACTUALLY DONE IT: manufacturing drugs; domestic violence; drug trafficking; murder or manslaughter; solicitation of a prostitute; robbery; burglary; indecent exposure; or crimes against a child.

It may sound cold and heartless but if you have been the "go to" person for help, when do you have to say - this is the end of the rope, there is no more rope to give to pull you out?

Why in the world does "love" make some women (or men) do something that is criminal or put up with something that is criminal? Please explain this to me. Let's reformulate that line from Boomerang by Hallie Berry that "Love should have brought your a$$ home last night" to "Love should never require you to do 5 to 10 for your a$$".

Digging Up Underneath the Family Tree

For the last few years, I have been working on my Family Tree. This would include the Williams', which is my mother's side and the Toney's, which is my father's side of the family. I have been reaching out to other family members in cyberspace to get the 411 on who is living, who has gone, who is married, who had kids, what is everyone's REAL name, and the locations of all these significant events.

I have been using Ancestry.com to keep all my information. Their website is the easiest to use and also can back up the information I am getting with documentation (i.e., census records, Social Security Death Index, obituaries, and other family trees). Another source that I have found so useful are funeral announcements. It is almost comical but when someone passes, EVERYBODY has got to be put on the funeral announcement.

The other resource that truly is amazing and definitely a joy to listen to are the elder members of the family. Hearing some of the stories of "how things were" gives you a vivid perspective of who we are and how we got here. But a stumbling block I have run into every now again with the "older crowd" is that they do not want to talk about the past.

Everyone has secrets and skeletons. I have relatives that have had children outside of the marriage or that they had a child when they were 13 or 14 years old. It happens today just like it happened back in the day - just now, it is harder to hide. I do not understand the need for secrets when it comes to knowing who you are and where you came from. I have a cluster of family members in a single geographic area and it would be nice to know if that one of my cousins is not hollerin' at a girl who is closely related.

Speaking from the point of viewpoint of a lover of History, documenting your heritage is something that everyone should do to help you understand what makes you you. Who knows, you may find out that you are related to someone famous (or infamous).

Am I Losing My "Blackness"?

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in my office talking to a guy servicing some electronic equipment for me. Some of my staff got to talking about some events occurring around the the downtown area that weekend, which included a hip-hop/rap concert featuring Yo Gotti, 8Ball & MJG, Young Dro, and a couple of other artists.

I proceeded to joke around with the service guy, who was white, that he needed to come back to Montgomery on Sunday to go to the concert and see 8Ball & MJG. Expecting him to look at me crazy, he says "they are really going to be here on Sunday". My mouth popped open and I was told the look on my face was priceless. I am a black man and never listened to 8Ball & MJG (knowingly). He said that he had their latest CD in the service van which had my jaw hitting the floor. However, another reason that he knew who they were was because he was from Memphis, Tennessee - the same as 8Ball & MJG.


Of course, I got a ribbing from my co-workers that I was not familiar of the lyrical stylings of 8Ball & MJG. I like my old school hip-hop-rap from the 80's and 90's. I am going to sound like my parents, but most of the new stuff today sounds the same and is not that entertaining. Every now there is a gem in the middle of a lot of noise.

It made me feel a little like I am losing my "blackness". I have been told that I was an "Oreo" or they said that "one of the whitest black guys" they knew. I do not talk with a lot of "urban" slag; I do not wear clothing fron South Pole, Ecko, Coogi, or Rocawear; I don't watch "The Game", "Tiny & Toya", or "College Hill" on BET." So with all of that being said - am I lacking "blackness".

I realize that I am still surrounded by a lot of young black men and women in my interaction with staff and the public who are still living their young "black" lives. I am older and more conservative nowadays so I cannot always relate. I have been blessed to see things outside of a stereotypical urban black environment. I have interacted with, made friends with, and dated people who may have also "lost their identity" like myself and you cannot truly label.

All of this reminded me of some unflattering contact I had with a woman earlier this year in "Basically She Called Me an Uncle Tom". I cannot say she was acting like "some typical black woman" because she was truly just a stupid woman who didn't have any sense and thought someone owed her something but even then she made me wonder.

So I guess the question is do we, as we grow older and more mature, conform more to some non-racial sense of self? I think the only ones who can answer that question might be those who follow the adage of "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things" (1 Corinthians 13:11).

Jaw Dropping Racism - In Your Face Beotch!

I really have got to find more time to write but I guess when you grow up, your life gets so much more packed with stuff that you cannot find enough time in the day.



I was watching television yesterday morning and caught the latest episode of "Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel". They did a story of racism in soccer called "Fields of Hate". My jaw hit the table when I saw the blatant racism being displayed by the fans of European soccer games.

There were fans who would make sounds like a monkey or would throw bananas on the field when a player of color would get the ball. There are instances when the fans have spit on players to the point where they jersey was soaked. There are parts of the stadium that are "controlled" by organized neo-fascists or neo-Nazi groups that would display the Nazi swastika openly. In this semi-politically correct world, you would think that racism such as that would not be present at an organized sporting event with a television audience. There are still pockets of racism in the US but you would never see anything such as that at an organized sporting event here.

Seeing this has partially changed my outlook on Europe. I have had the opportunity to live there twice - once as a adolescent and once as a young adult. I also got to travel a little bit while I was there and never experienced anything that would make me think that someone didn't like me for the color of my skin. I used to believe Europe practiced a more liberal society. How can such hatred go unchecked?



Why do those who scream hate so loudly truly believe that they are right? What makes one believe that the removal, extinction, or separation of a race other than theirs is what God intended? In a world were MOST people believe in racial harmony, why does this "minority" of people think they can change the minds of so many who do not believe in their rhetoric?

An example of this line of thinking was made by Johann Friedrich Blumenbach (1752-1840), a German physician, physiologist and anthropologist, who made the statement "Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix." REALLY?

Everyone has a right to their opinion but the purpose of sport, in my opinion, has always been camaraderie, sportsmanship, and community pride. Why would someone let a bunch of idiots represent their community? Maybe there need to be some diversity on the governing body of UEFA, the Union of European Football Associations. Maybe they need to walk in the shoes of soccer (football) players of color to see the effect that their "inaction" is taking on them.

And the Verdict Is.....

Well after 5 days of "you need to get that checked" by doctors, I finally found out that the pulmonary nodule in my right lung is not cancerous. Some sort of benign mass as the doctor called it. It was probably scarring that was discovered by my ER doctor after the accident.

Now for the rant.... My primary care doctor is affiliated with Jackson Hospital here in town. My hospital of choice is Baptist East which is where I went for treatment after the accident. There lies my dilemma. The ER referred me to get my PET Scan at a Baptist-affiliated imaging center in which my doctor's office had no clue even existed.

I got my PET scan last Thursday and was told by my doctor's office to come in on Friday (after they called the imaging center to confirm when the results would be ready) to get the results. First of all, I had to wait for an hour in the lobby waiting room. Then I was moved to the "secondary" waiting room where I had to wait for another 30 minutes. (For those who know me, I did manage a nap in the secondary room before work.) I get into the exam room to be greeted by a nurse practitioner (NP). There is nothing wrong with an NP but with the potential for a cancer diagnosis, I would have thought that I would see my doctor.

To top it all off, the staff had no clue why I was at the doctor's office at all. I was asked by the intake clerk, the accounting clerk, the triage nurse, and the nurse practitioner on why I was there. It wasn't them asking me to make sure they had the right patient - they truly did not know why I was there. The NP who say me on Friday was the same one that gave me the referral on Monday and had no idea who I was. I had to remind her that she was the one that gave me the referral form in the first place.

To top it all off, my results were not even there. Nobody called to have them faxed over. That was the last straw to me. Yeah, the doctor and the imaging center do not have a "relationship" but goodness, does anyone take notes around there at all?

This doctor has been my primary care physician since 2005 but only since him once at my initial appointment and fast lab follow-up. Every time I tried to make an appointment in the past when I needed to see the doctor, I couldn't get scheduled within 3 days so I would go to Pri-Med (an urgent care medical center).

After this experience with my "cancer scare" and the lack of communication and professionalism with this doctor, I am seeking a new one. I was under so much stress from the wait that I had a migraine for the rest of the day. It was almost like I actually did have cancer and nobody wanted to tell me. I understand that medical care is a volume business but this is my only bad experience with any doctor and it has soured me on the profession. If I didn't need it, I would kick them all to the curb.

The Great Crash of 2010 (and the Fall Out)

Well fellow bloggers and readers, it has been determined by me that people cannot drive. This past Sunday, I have had my fourth accident in my Mazda 6. None of the accidents in this car have been my fault and now with a few payments left on this car, it might be totalled out. Jasmine, my 16 year old daughter, is a bit distraught because this was supposed to be her car possibly this fall in case I got something new.

I am fine and will live but I have learned some lessons with this accident that I am not going to go into at this point. I got checked out at the ER and the doctor has certified me okay, in regards of the accident. I have a knot and a cut on my head from hitting the windshield (now is the time I wish I had hair up there to cover it) and my knee hurts a little so I got a cool ass limp.


I thought I was going to walk out of the ER with nothing on my mind but wondering if they are going to total out my car or fix it but it couldn't be that simple. After the CT Scan of my head and chest, I was advised of something going on that was unrelated to the accident.

It seems that I have some sort of pulmonary nodule in my right lung. The same lung that I had pneumonia in which could be the cause of it but of course the doctor has to give you the worse case scenario and dropped the Big C Word on me too. The good thing going for me is that I recently had pneumonia so that connection is there. I don't smoke (unless you want to count the 2 or 3 cigars I have a year). I do not usually tend to hang around smokers when they are smoking. So I think my luck will hold.

Never thought that someone would throw the C word at me. Just one of those things you would think happens to someone else (not that you want it to). When he said it, I just figured it was nothing serious and the remote possibility of it being cancer (yeah I said it) was slim to none. But of course as you have time to think about it and the doctors keep saying "you need to see your primary doctor and make an appointment for a PET CT Scan." I didn't really think about what a PET CT Scan was until yesterday when a friend of mine said it is what they use to look at cancer in the body. Well DAMN!

I think I will be okay. I am going to stay positive that it isn't anything serious. Just needed to vent it out a little bit. So is the journey of life- let's see where this turn takes me.

40 years and still kicking...

Well last Wednesday was my 40th birthday. After a few days of trying it on, it fits me well. I don't really feel any different. Some people made it out to be a milestone but I still kind of feel it just another notch in life - somewhat.

I look back at the 40 years of my life and I ponder if I did some things different, where would I be today. I think everyone takes a moment to do a "Retrospective of the History of Their Life" at some point and I guess mine was at 40 years of age. By no means I hope that this is a halfway point for me. I still believe I will live forever. Some of the older memories are a little blurry but they have been some great ones (and some not so much). No one wants to remember the negative or bad things but if you had the power to change the past, you might wipe out all the truly positive moments of your life.

Everyone has done things that they are very proud of and other stuff that you hope never saw the light of day; met people that made a profound change in their lives and those that you wish would fall off the face of the Earth; and hopefully made a positive mark for society or on people that have run across your path. You hope that you are an individual and not just like everyone else.



Not to be vain, but many people I have run across are surprised that I am 40 years old like that is something ancient. Last night at work I ran into several acquaintances that I hadn't seen in some months and they made it a point to compliment me how good I looked and how sharp I was looking and kept driving it home. I try not get a big head about it but it is nice for people to say things like that since I am getting "old and decrepit." Even got a very loud "Wow" from a female friend who found out how old I had just turned on my birthday. Talk about an ego booster.

We take a break for a reference from "Ego" by Beyonce' -

It's too big, it's too wide
It's too strong, it won't fit
It's too much, it's too tough
He talk like this 'cause he can back it up

He got a big ego, such a huge ego
I love his big ego, it's too much
He walk like this 'cause he can back it up.

Now back our regularly scheduled blog.

There are still some things I want in life and hopefully I will be able to make those dreams come true. I hope that perhaps I touch for a few more lives in a positive way. I hope to still learn something new everyday (and hopefully not forget it). I hope that I continue to march to the beat of my own drum. I have been truly blessed with a lot of things and continue to be grateful for anything put my way. To put it in a nutshell, I just hope....

I want to thank all of those who took the time out of their busy lives and schedules to wish me a Happy 40th Birthday. In this time where it seems like life is running 100 mile per hour with really bad brakes, it was nice that I ran across people's minds even for a few minutes. I hope to enjoy many, many more.